Glitches leave Earth in disarray—pull it together, simulation masters

By Neek Azar

The Nexus (Camino Del Sur, San Diego)

It has recently come to my attention that a theory exists revolving around the idea that our world, or reality as we know it, is a simulation. First brought to light in the scientific community in 2003, it has most recently been touted as possible by space travel superstar Elon Musk. While I prefer the humanities, this is an aspect of STEM I can get behind.

It makes sense that our world would be a simulated one. In just the past five years, the Earth has been steadily heating up, someone who made a cameo on WWE was elected our president, we lost not one or two, but a handful of airplanes, and we’ve reached Cold War Era levels in terms of probability of being nuked. These aren’t things that happen in just any old reality. The weird or unexplainable events of our world don’t stem from glitches in the Matrix as some may think, but rather from very purposeful decisions made by our simulations overlords.

So far, it seems that other individuals besides myself have uncovered the truth. Our very own Donald “Trust me, I’m like, a smart person” Trump has manipulated the simulation into becoming president. Others, like the infamous D.B. Cooper, who hijacked a plane, ransomed it to the FBI for $200,000, and disappeared without a trace, evidently manipulated the simulation for gain. Clearly, we can all learn something from these masterminds.

The sky (or more accurately, the sky-mimicking hexagonal panels) is the limit. If we individually can take control of the simulation, we can achieve things beyond our wildest dreams, that is, if the simulation masters let us.

However, the simulation masters have not been so forthcoming to those of us with normal-sized craniums. To you masters, since I know you’re reading this in all your omnipotence, I, on behalf of the people of the simulation, have but one demand—let’s make reality less… crappy. If it’s not too much trouble that is.

At the risk of being wiped out of reality, I have to say that the masters really have made some poor decisions when designing our reality. This whole aging thing, the whole stretch of being 12  to 15 years old, school food, EDM—all of these are just poorly thought-out parts of our reality. That’s not even mentioning stuff like world hunger and war. Whoever is running our simulation has some seriously misguided priorities.

That’s just bad design, and I think we’re owed an update to the simulation.

It’s hard for me to believe that in your infinite wisdom, you haven’t given us an update in a considerable period of time. Shouldn’t someone have done something about this by now? The simulation needs an update already; things are falling apart.

While the main things in the simulation have been neglected, relatively trivial things are given multiple updates, even in one year. For instance, the simulation gave us seven new iterations of the iPhone in the past five years. I feel like the masters could use that time to fix existing bugs, like the one that is causing the Earth’s temperature to rise uncontrollably. Instead of that though, now we have an iPhone that’s even easier to break.

In addition, there are other bugs in the simulation that still haven’t been fixed. For instance, the glitch where the population of the Earth rises, without any increase in new resources is something the masters could easily fix by instituting caps on individual human consumption, but don’t.

Most importantly however, the 2016 Presidential Election bug still hasn’t been remedied after more than a year. There’s this annoying glitch where the President keeps on doing the things he criticizes others for on his Twitter. Honestly, it ruins immersion in the simulation for me, and things are starting to feel a little bit less than real. I’m starting to think that the simulation masters lost funding or gave up on us and moved on to some other project.

So this is a request to the simulation masters, whether they be teenage pranksters playing a video game or whether they be a team of elite scientists studying us: I humbly plead for an update to our firmware. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for some changes to our painfully flawed existence, and the simulation masters certainly have the power to help us out here. While they’re at it, I certainly wouldn’t mind some changes made to the results of my college applications. So, chop-chop simulation masters, there are wars to end, dictators to topple, lives to improve, and GPAs (or at least one in particular) to raise.

Photo Credit: Bruce Irschick

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