Attack of the Pack

 By Zach McGunagle

The Gaucho Gazette (Petaluma, California)

Fanny-packs are without a doubt the hallmark of human innovation, and that is putting it lightly. Their stylishness is equal to their usefulness, and quite frankly I am surprised not everyone has a belly-bag for themselves. The first time I wore a fanny-pack I was enlightened. I probably made five new friends that day. Everyone loved it. Now whenever I have my pack, my friends expect candy at the ready, and I am happy to give it! Fanny-packs have their origins all the way back to before the United States, where Native Americans used what they called “Buffalo Pouches”. The Scottish also used them because they didn’t want to put pockets on their kilts. They have been used for centuries and they are the best item to have ready in your wardrobe and I am going to tell you why.

   For starters, fanny-packs make you stand out from the crowd, yet another reason to invest in your own collection. It’s a conversation starter too. People will always ask you what’s in your fanny pack, so be prepared with a variety of weird items to share with them. Try matching your pack with other clothing for an added style point. Why not put some candy in there? You will make new friends, and have something to eat when you’re exhausted and hungry from being so cool.

   You were biking to work and you fall and scrape your knee, what do you do? That’s right, pull out a band-aid and some neosporin from your First Aid Fanny-Pack™ and get yourself cleaned up. The emergency pack can be useful for any activities away from home. Wherever you are, all of your friends can feel safe knowing that you have the pack ready to go when disaster strikes.

   My personal collection of fanny-packs is growing, and I plan to obtain a variety of different fannys for different events. Right now I have a giant retro themed fanny pack, as well as a ‘Dad Pack’ which says “Don’t hesitate to Designate” on it. Is there such thing as a formal fanny-pack? Probably, and I plan to get one and wear it to a nice dinner. When we are ready to eat, I will pull out all of my utensils ready to go. Everyone will be amazed at my pack, and realize their life feels empty without one, as I eat my delicious meal with my reusable fork.

Photo Credit: Guian Bolisay

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